Your Kids Are Dumb, Deal With It

Children are stupid. All of them. This is a fact. No matter how well they know their ABCs, they have preposterous notions about the way the world works. You were no different. Neither was I. Here are some of the ridiculous things I believed to be absolutely true at various points in my childhood.


--Traffic lights are controlled by guys who sit inside of little huts located inconspicuously at every intersection

--If you keep eggs in your fridge beyond the expiration date, you risk having them hatch in your home

--If you look into a mirror at night, you risk seeing a ghost

--The ice in your ice cube trays is what makes your freezer cold

--Kidnappers are people who can't have their own children and want to avoid the bureaucracy of the legal adoption process

--Pat Sajak and Vanna White are a happily married couple

--Penguins are birds who flew south one winter, but ended up stranded on Antarctica when it floated too far away from land

--Lavender is a pale shade of green

--Chocolate milk comes from brown cows

--A pregnant woman's unborn child can move freely about the inside of her entire body